Categorized | Features, Media

Report: North Korea Lands Astronaut on the Sun

 

Maybe.  It’s Possible.

(VIDEO)

 

Skippy Massey
Humboldt Sentinel

 

 

The source for this is something we’ve never heard of
before today – a web site called
Waterford Whispers News.

There was also a report last year from Investors Business Daily that the North Koreans– Norks for short– had announced their intention to put a man on the sun.  If you haven’t been to North Korea lately, and many of you haven’t, you should know that the world is their oyster.  Might as well throw in the universe, too.

We can’t find anything about this on the English-language version of the KCNA, which is the Norks’ official news agency site, but the report says it was uttered in the State News Agency of North Korea televised newscast– for which they offered no video as backup.

We don’t know.  We suppose it says everything about the madcap nature of this regime that one finds to hard believe anyway.  Surely they could make such an outlandish claim and one can never be entirely sure of what they may or may not be up to next.  Kismet happens, you know.

And we want to believe!

It reported that astronaut Hung Il Gong left for the sun on a specially designed rocket ship at approximately 3 a.m. yesterday morning:

Hung, who traveled alone, reached his destination some four hours later, landing his craft on the far side of the lonely star.

 “We are very delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the sun,” a North Korean central news anchor man said on a live broadcast earlier.  

“North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the sun.  Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero’s welcome when he returns home later this evening.”

The specially trained astronaut was expected to return back to earth at 9 p.m, where he will meet his uncle and supreme leader Kim Jong-un.

 It is understood that the 17-year-old ‘space explorer’ traveled at night to avoid being engulfed by the sun’s rays, and that this genius approach has brought the nascent Soviet state to the top of the global space rankings.

While on the sun, Mr. Hung collected sun spot samples to bring back to his supreme leader as a present.

The 18 hour mission is already being called the ‘greatest human achievement of our time’ by the North Korean central news agency.

 

Oh please, don’t tell us some knucklehead made this up. 
Or that the Norks aren’t really making this claim.

After all, they did claim Kim Jong Il shot somewhere between 5 and 11 holes-in-one– and that was the first time he ever played golf.  He may be short, stout and portly, but c’mon now.  Move over, Tiger.  That Kim got swing!

And don’t believe the stereotype that Asians can’t drive.  Kim Jong-un learned how to take the wheel at the age of three and drive like the gifted speed demon child that he is.

Then there was that other story.  You remember the one.  The unicorn lair that was found near Pyongyang in 2012.  Now that’s one for the science books.  Move on over, Bigfoot; there’s a new dog moving on in.

Those possibilities are slightly less plausible than this, but the Norks clearly aren’t too concerned about incredulity from the masses.

But wait, you say . . . they’re crazy, this is just too much!  To the sun and back in 18 hours?  He “traveled at night to avoid being engulfed by the sun’s rays”?  

He brought back “sun spot samples” as a gift for Jong Jr.? 

And… the 17-year-old’s name was Hung Il Gong?

Come on.  This has got to be the work of some wisecracking crackhead and not the usual hardworking North Korean propagandists working overtime extolling the virtues of their Triumphant First World Nation State.

Our initial theory?  Both could be true.

You see, who’s to say there’s not some village idiot who wormed his way into the propaganda ministry – someone who has a clear understanding of how insane all this is, but noticed that Kim Jong Un and his inner circle are so divorced from reality that, no matter how absurd the material is, they keep signing off on it.  So why not have some fun, push the boundaries, and get away with it?

They let you put out that business about Kim Jong Un’s uncle being fed to starving dogs?  Hey!  Up your game, buddy!  If you can’t make it, fake it.  How about landing a man on the sun?  Surely you’re not going to get that one through . . . whoa, ha-ha, chuckle and whoopee!  The sun’s the limit!

Hey, it’s plausible.  It could happen.  Maybe they really did it.  Maybe that undying faith Obama, Bush, Boehner, and Pelosi have in the great power of government doesn’t go far enough like what the Little Big Man can do. 

But alas, all good stories must end.

Spoiler alert:  If you’re a fan of the alternately horrifying and fascinating news coming out of the Hermit Kingdom’s squalid dictatorship of starving masses and gulags, read no further.  We’re warning you.

Ok, you stuck with us this far.  Here’s the skinny of what happened:

Where the joke originated:  Did North Korea really claim to put a man on the sun– or do people just like making Kim Jong-un look like a super-duper extra sillypants after palling around with Dennis Rodman several weeks ago?

Despite outlandish Norky propaganda, this article originally appeared on the Waterford Whispers News, a satirical Irish site (think The Onion) running headlines like ”Ground-Breaking WIT Study Finds Link Between Obesity and Over-Eating” and “World Leaders Renew International Lie-To-People Pact.

Believing this story was genuine propaganda would require an assumption that North Koreans are either blindingly stupid or all carbon copies of Winston Smith at the end of Nineteen Eighty-Four, both of which are clearly untrue.

North Koreans aren’t scientifically illiterate enough to believe you can land on the sun.  In fact, depending on who you ask, North Korea can’t even build real missiles.  A pair of German missile experts says that the ICBMs North Korea is so fond of parading around are low-quality mockups.  Other experts disagree, saying the mockups are evidence that the North Koreans are getting closer to building an ICBM capable of striking the continental United States.

Either way, they can’t even launch satellites properly, so the sun seems a little bit out of their league.

Let’s do the math.  Traveling to the sun in 4 hours would mean traveling at 23,240,000 miles per hour.  That would be 640 TIMES faster than the current spacecraft record of 36,373 mph– or 30,500 times the speed of sound.  Another way to see it:  Mr. Hung guy flew at 1/28 the speed of light.

Whew.  That’s fast.  Very fast.  And the sun is hot.  Very, very hot.  Even at night.

Well, our hats could have been off to the North Koreans for shattering all previous speed records to smithereens and setting a new milestone for the epic discovery of the sun. 

Sadly, they didn’t pull it off after all.

Darn.  We so wanted to believe.  In unicorns and hole-in-ones and gifted children.  And now this happens.

* * * * * * * * * *

 

 

(Sourced from YouTube/PolicyMic/Canada Free Press/and others)

Please share with others and follow us on Twitter and Facebook

2 Responses to “Report: North Korea Lands Astronaut on the Sun”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. [...] Report: North Korea Lands Astronaut on the Sun | Humboldt Sentinel __________________ I'm a signature. [...]

  2. [...] Originally Posted by calder12 Report: North Korea Lands Astronaut on the Sun | Humboldt Sentinel [...]


Leave a Reply

HumSentinel on Twitter

RSS Progressive Review

  • The war crimes Israel and Obama are committing
    Shamus Cooke, Anti-War - The two most glaring war crimes Israel is committing – as defined by the Geneva Convention – are the concepts of “collective punishment” and “necessity and proportionality.”Under collective punishment, a warring party cannot respond to an attack by waging war on the attacker’s community, as is clearly happening in Gaza. The clearest […]
  • California drought update
    LA Times -Te groundwater level in the San Bernardino Basin area is at its lowest point in recorded history, officials say.hMeasured in volume, the groundwater level for the basin is now about 500,000 acre-feet below full, according to Douglas Headrick, general manager for the San Bernardino Valley Municipal Water District.That would put it below the previous […]
  • CORECTION: Mandel on Palestine
    The letter we posted a few minutes ago allegedly from Mandela to Thomas Friedman was actually a satirical piece. According to The Electronic Intifada, this article was written by Arjan El Fassed in 2001 in the satirical style then being employed by Thomas Friedman, of writing mock letters from one world leader to another. Although it carries El Fassed’s byli […]
  • Jazz break
    MONTY ALEXANDER: SATIN DOLL […]
  • Senior news and links
    Senior news Medicare Social Security   ESSAYS No retirement age for rebellion Thoughts on old age The real problem with Social Security Word: Social Security Why Social Security and Medicare are not going bankrupt Social Security is massive anti-poverty program […]
  • Massive retaliation reported in Veterans Administration
    Lydia Dennett, Project on Government Oversight - In California, a Department of Veterans Affairs inpatient pharmacy supervisor was placed on administrative leave and ordered not to speak out after protesting what he described as errors and delays in the delivery of medications to patients.In Pennsylvania, a former VA doctor was removed from clinical work and […]
  • Top foreign aid recipients per capita
    VOX […]
  • How Israel helped to create Hamas
    Richard Sale, UPI, June 18, 2002 - Israel and Hamas may currently be locked in deadly combat, but, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials, beginning in the late 1970s, Tel Aviv gave direct and indirect financial aid to Hamas over a period of years.Israel "aided Hamas directly -- the Israelis wanted to use it as a counterbala […]
  • Warmest June on record
    Rural Blog - The earth continues to experience record-breaking temperatures. Last month was the hottest June on record, following a trend in which the previous month was the hottest May on record, according to a report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration."Primarily, it was the oceans of the world that pushed the mercury into the red […]
  • Book: Israel tried to blackmail Clinton over Lewinsky
    As noted below, we reported a NY Post account of this 15 years ago.Daily Mail, UK -  According to a new book, tapes of Bill Clinton’s steamy phone sex with Monica Lewinsky posed a threat to national security and resulted in a not-so-subtle ‘blackmail’ attempt by the Prime Minister of Israel, who used the torrid exchanges to try to ‘convince’ the President to […]
  • Stupid Florida tricks
    WFTV, Fl - Pull up or pay up: It's now illegal to wear low pants that expose underwear or bare buttocks in parts of Ocala.Th City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to approve an ordinance that prohibits anyone on city property from wearing pants 2 inches below their natural waist."I just think it's disgraceful to show your underwear," Cou […]
  • Police blotter
    Baltimore Sun - Johns Hopkins Hospital has agreed to pay $190 million to settle claims from thousands of women who may have been surreptitiously recorded during pelvic exams by gynecologist Dr. Nikita A. Levy.The amount of the settlement is one of the largest on record involving sexual misconduct by a physician. Levy, a doctor in the Johns Hopkins Community […]
  • Obamacare in big trouble
    Kaiser Health News - In what could be a major blow to the Affordable Care Act, a three-judge panel for the U.S. Court of Appeals in Washington ruled Tuesday that subsidies may not be offered in the federal health exchange. The decision overturned a lower court ruling. You can read the decision here.The Washington Post: Federal Appeals Court Panel Deals Major […]
  • Government goes beserk in selecting possible terrorists
    Courthouse News - Five California men sued the Department of Justice, claiming they were entered into a counterterrorism database for innocent activities such as a professional photographer taking pictures, a computer consultant buying computers at Best Buy, and in one case, waiting for one's mother at a train station. The lawsuit, filed by the ACLU and […]
  • Book; Bill Clinton's girlfriend has a Secret Service code name
    Page Six - Bill Clinton reportedly has a buxom blond mistress who visits so often when Hillary Clinton isn’t home in Chappaqua that the former president’s Secret Service detail have given her an unofficial code name: Energizer.This is according to Ronald Kessler in “The First Family Detail: Secret Service Agents Reveal the Hidden Lives of Presidents,” due Au […]