Genie in the Funny Bottle
“Ho! Ho! Ho! To the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe
Rain may fall, and wind may blow
And many miles be still to go
But under a tall tree will I lie
And let the clouds go sailing by”
“It’s a great advantage not to drink among hard drinking people. First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald
“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.”
~Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker
“I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.”
“For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked
myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem.
Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost
a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes.
I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.”
~David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
~Chelsea Handler, Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall.
I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
“A lady came up to me one day and said ‘Sir! You are drunk’, to which I replied, ‘I am drunk today madam and tomorrow I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly.”
“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.”
“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven’t touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”
~Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot
“There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.”
“The problem with the designated driver program is, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”