Categorized | Media, Scene

Growing Up

 

You Only Have Once

VIDEO

 

Catie Warren
Humboldt Sentinel

 

I’ve always been the free spirit of the family.

The loud one, the silly one, the one who never really had it all together.  My mom says I’m adventurous, my dad calls it independence, and my grandmother–well, she’s never really understood it.

I marched to the beat of my own drum, I strayed from the pack, I didn’t fit into the mold.

I wanted life experience, wanted to make mistakes.  I yearned to make something of myself, to stand on my own. I wanted to live.  And for whatever reason, I thought that in order to do this– in order to be happy–  I had to do it on my own.

I looked at my mother and my sisters, the ones who had gotten married young and had babies young and had settled young, and I pitied them.

“What a waste,” I used to think.  

“How sad for them.  How sad they all must be.”  I imagined they looked at my life and envied me.  Envied my late nights and strange men and my I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. I wondered if they regretted their choices, spent their nights longing for a life of what could have been, for a life without monotony, for a life full of risk and uncertainty and not knowing what tomorrow might bring.

It all seemed so awful, so boring, so normal.  So I rebelled.  I took a stand against everything the women in my life had ever done.  I wanted to be careless and carefree, and I wanted not to care about anyone other than myself.  I thought I was breaking the mold.

I thought I was really showing everyone what they were missing out on.  Now, I see, I’m the one who’s missing out.

Now, I look at my sisters and my friends and my mother, the ones who have settled down and the ones who have someone and the ones who have little someones, and I can’t help but feel overcome with jealousy.

I want what they have.  After the late nights at work, the later nights at bars, and the hungover mornings that come too soon, I’ve realized that happiness isn’t found at the bottom of a bottle.  Happiness isn’t found next to a stranger in
bed.  

Happiness isn’t found in dancing on tables or triple digit bar tabs or hangovers that nearly kill you.  It’s not found in bottomless mimosa brunches or happy hours that continue until last call, and it’s not even found in a really good shot of tequila. 

It was at one point. It really, truly was. But it’s not anymore. And I don’t really know how to cope with that.

My entire life thus far has been one giant middle finger to everything my parents have ever stood for.  The suburbs and the station wagons and the Sunday Schools– it’s all I’ve never wanted.

Suddenly, everything I’ve been running from is now everything I truly ache for.  

It is everything I think about when I drift off to sleep, everything I dream about, everything I see when I envision true completion.  I look at the faces of my nieces and nephews, how they light up when my sisters walk into rooms, how they giggle and smile and are full of such genuine happiness.

I see the sonograms and the onesies and the hair bows and the baby dolls and the crooked smiles and, most importantly, the love.  And I want it.

I’m tired of being alone.  I’m tired of being selfish.  I’m tired of thinking that growing up means giving up.

Happiness, for me, is no longer dancing on table tops.  It’s not drinking until I pass out.  It’s not 3 a.m. phone calls, and it’s not passionless sex.  It’s not about having more friends as having real ones.

I’m over it, done with it, can’t-turn-the-page-fast-enough ready for the next chapter.  But I don’t know where this leaves me.

I don’t know if this makes me an adult or if it just makes me a little more mature than I once was.  I don’t know if this makes me someone who’s looking for love or someone who wants a baby or someone who’s just tired of being on her own.  I don’t know if this means that I’ll one day become just like my mother– and I don’t even know if I want to be just like her.

But I know that this, what I’ve been doing, it’s not me anymore.  It’s not what I want.

Maybe this is what growing up is.  And for the first time ever, I’m okay with it.

 

 

Please share with others
and join us on Twitter and Facebook

 

One Response to “Growing Up”

  1. Steve says:

    I’m still waiting to grow up and stop being curious and willing to play with just about anything and everything adults “grow out of” doing which makes most of them into zombies as far as I can tell. Reliable zombies for the most part, for sure, not prone to risk taking which I think creates this dead zone in the adult outlook department. Gone, almost totally lost is the child’s sense of wonder and lack of cynicism about life which then is replaced with adult resigned contentment to do the routines day in, day out, until death do we part. Neogenesis is the evolutionary path that expands the child state of species forms to advance new developed features before they get locked into “adult” form, e.g. expanding our brain cortex area like it is in earliest fetal development that is one of homo sapiens evolutionary advantages. So..don’t grow up. Stay a child with wonder and curiosity about the world and watch adults shake their heads at pity your poor miserable silly self who should be happy to work all day long, come home and sit and watch tv, brush and floss your teeth and go to bed.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks


Leave a Reply

HumSentinel on Twitter

RSS Progressive Review

  • War on the Constitution update
    Off the Charts   - The Center for Budget and Policy Priorities,  AARP, the AFL-CIO, Consumers Union, and ten other national organizations have written to the U.S. Trade Representative asking that Medicare, Medicaid, and other health programs be excluded from the investor-state dispute settlement provisions of pending trade agreements. ISDS would give compani […]
  • Links: Action
    Action news How to plan your own Moral Monday Building peace teams Cellphone guide for protesters Why we need history   Corporations that have deserted the US for tax purposes  BURGER KINGBOYCOTTS Israel  Academic/Cultural Koch Brothers Nestle North Face Staples Walmart Monsanto   ACTIONS Detroit Water Brigade Moral Mondays Tar Sands protests Occupy ACLU Bad […]
  • Stats: Population growth
    CRAIG CRAWFORD […]
  • Pocket paradigms
    We have lost much of what was gained in the 1960s and 1970s because we traded in our passion, our energy, our magic and our music for the rational, technocratic and media ways of our leaders. We will not overcome the current crisis solely with political logic. We need living rooms like those in which women once discovered they were not alone. The freedom sch […]
  • Word
    Remember this: many a good story has been ruined by over-verification -- James Gordon Bennett, Founder of NY Herald […]
  • Will Californians soon be drinking their own pee?
    Slate -The largest desalination plant in the Western Hemisphere is currently under construction in Carlsbad in San Diego County at great expense. The price tag: $1 billion.Right now, San Diego is almost totally dependent on imported water from Sierra snowmelt and the Colorado River. When the desalination plant comes online in 2016, it will produce 50 million […]
  • Follow the limousines
    From 50 years of our overstocked archivesSam Smith - A thought occurred to me as I sat in my car the other day waiting for a presidential cavalcade to make its way noisily down a Washington street: perhaps we should insist on a bit less protection for our leaders based on the theory that if they felt more endangered they would have more sympathy for the rest […]
  • Even in Africa....
    LA TIMES […]
  • Recovered history: The real Clinton story
    Things the media forgets to tell you about the Clintons and the state that made them.1974 27 year old Clinton, only months out of Yale Law School, is back in Arkansas eager to run for Congress. Roger Morris writes later,  "A relative unknown, he faces an imposing field of rivals in the Democratic primary, and beyond, in the general election, a powerful […]
  • Blackwater agents found guilty in Iraqi civilian deaths
    intercept - A federal jury in Washington, D.C., returned guilty verdicts against four Blackwater operatives charged with killing more than a dozen Iraqi civilians and wounding scores of others in Baghdad in 2007.The jury found one guard, Nicholas Slatten, guilty of first-degree murder, while three other guards were found guilty of voluntary manslaughter: Pau […]
  • What's happening
    Food delivery by tricyclesThe hazards of bike lawPhilly students protest for their teachers  A 97 year old scholar describes what it's like to live in an old folks' home […]
  • Bottom 90% worse off than in 1987
    Washington Post - Once upon a time, the American economy worked for everybody, and even the middle class got richer. But this story has only been a fairy tale for almost 30 years now. The new, harsh reality is that the bottom 90 percent of households are poorer today than they were in 1987.This is actually a much more dramatic statement than it sounds. While […]
  • US deporting asylum seekers
    immigration Impact -Human Right Watch  issued a report last week documenting serious flaws in the procedures used to deport noncitizens apprehended at or near the border—flaws that are resulting in the deportation of Central Americans who face serious harm in their home countries. The report is based on interviews of 35 noncitizens detained in the United Sta […]
  • How Watergate almost didn't happen
    Sam Smith - The passing of Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee has brought back memories of the 1972 break-in at the Watergate and, for me, a story I learned about how the incident almost didn't happen. The Washingtonian Magazine reported a few years ago: Across the street in the Howard Johnson’s Motor Lodge, a “spotter” for the burglars, Alfred C. Baldw […]
  • September 12, 2001
     From 50 years of our overstocked archivesSam Smith, September 12, 2001 - Throughout the day came contrasting images of Americans. The indefatigably courageous rescue workers - turned gray and white by pulverized matter. The innocent survivors resourcefully joining hands to follow the one flashlight out of a building or using a cell phone to locate themselve […]