Tag Archive | "Slut-Shaming"

FYI– If You’re a Teenage Boy

 

Beware of Mom and Her Family

 

Skippy Massey
Humboldt Sentinel

 

Dear Boys,

I have some information that might interest you.  

Last night, as we sometimes do, our family sat around the dining room table and looked through your social media photos.  Because we’re creepy like that.

We have a teenage daughter, and so naturally, there are quite a few pictures of you handsome boys to wade through.  Wow — you sure took a bunch of selfies in your pajamas this summer!  our bedrooms are so dirty! Don’t you know how to clean your rooms?  Our 9-year-old son brought this to our attention, because with one older sister who has a room that smells like an old, dead hamster, he notices boyish details like that.

I think the girls notice other things.  For one, it appears that you are not wearing a shirt.

I get it — you’re in your room, so you’re heading to bed, right? But then I can’t help but notice the big muscles pose, the extra-arched back to show off your rock-hard abs and the smirky grin.  What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep.  Because I’m a woman.  And rock-hard abs left me four children ago.  And I like to judge others based on my own standard behavior.

So, here’s the bit that I think is important for you to realize.  If you are friends with a daughter of mine on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole fam-dam-ly.

Please understand this, also:  we genuinely like keeping up with you.  We enjoy seeing life through your unique and colorful lens — which is what makes your latest self-portrait so extremely unfortunate.  You just aren’t good enough.  We’re the Joneses.  Now keep up with us.

Those posts don’t reflect who you are!  We think you are handsome and probably interesting and, if I’m being generous, very smart.  But, we had to cringe and wonder what were you trying to do?  Who are you trying to reach?  What are you trying to say?  Because we literally have nothing better to do than judge and examine the lives of teenage boys.

And now — big bummer — we have to block your posts. Because the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our daughter, just as we know your parents care about you.  But not as much as we care about our kids, because we’re better parents than your parents.

I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage daughter seeing you only in your towel.  Did you know that once a female sees you in a state of undress, she can’t ever un-see it?  You don’t want my daughter to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?  

Because if she does, it will be YOUR fault.  Our daughter does not have free agency.  She is incapable of controlling her thoughts and actions, so you must do it for her.  Seriously, she can’t.  It’s some sort of chromosome condition that only occurs with the XX.

I mean, I don’t want my daughter to think of you in a sexual way, but I’m not gonna try and make myself un-see a picture of Ryan Gosling in just a towel.  I mean, yum.  And It’s not like he’s a real person.

And so, in our house, there are no second chances, boys.  Because we’re just mean like that.  I know, I know.  We proclaim to be Christians who believe in the power of the atonement and all.  But we’re not Jesus, so only he has to forgive you.  Us?  Well, we are just going to judge you all we can and shame you and infer that you’re giant bags of whore on the internet.

If you want to stay friendly with the females in my family, you’ll have to keep your clothes on (unless you’re Ryan Gosling) and your posts decent.  And interesting.  I mean, no one wants to read that “Roman is having an okay day and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station.”  All of your posts should revolve around me and what I find interesting.  If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video — even once — you’ll be booted off our online island.  Because like I said, there is zero tolerance for forgiveness in our family.  Mess up once and it’s the guillotine.

I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while.  We hope to raise women with a strong moral compass, and women of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school boys.  Women of integrity also don’t write incredibly mean, self-righteous posts that slut-shame teenage girls.  Phew, luckily I didn’t do anything like that!

Every day I pray for the men my girls will love.  I hope they will be drawn to real handsome guy (not dorks.  No dorks allowed in this super-awesome fam), the kind of men who will leave them better people in the end.  I also pray that my daughters will be worthy of this kind of man, that they will be patient — and act honorably — while they wait for him.

Boys, run if it’s not too late!  If you think you’ve made an online mistake (we all do — don’t fret — I’ve made some doozies),  RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your female friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom.

DO IT NOW! I AM THE EMPRESS OF ALL AND I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE DOWN ALL POSTS THAT DON’T MEET MY HIGH STANDARDS.  But actually it is too late because we already blocked your skanky-ass profile and Jesus had no second chances.

Will you trust me?  There are girls out there waiting and hoping for men of character.  Some young women are fighting the daily uphill battle to keep their minds pure, and their thoughts praiseworthy.  And you shirtless boys in just your swim trunks are ruining it for them.  You are making their minds impure and they have no control over it.  None!  It’s like you’re literally controlling their minds.

You are growing into a real handsome dude, inside and out.

Act like him, speak like him, post like him.  Because there’s no second chances.

I’m glad we’re friends.  But not like the kind of friends for reals.  Like the passive-aggressive kind who make really mean judgments about you and then write about it on the Internet.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Judgmental Slut-Shamer Jones
(my response to this post)

* * * * * * * * *

This post by Marissa Stringham originally appeared on Huffington Post and Iron Daisy

 

Please follow and friend us on Twitter and Facebook and share the Humboldt Sentinel with others

Posted in Media, OpinionComments (0)


HumSentinel on Twitter

RSS Progressive Review

  • Just words on words
    From 50 years of our overstocked archivesSam Smith, 2008 - The assumption held by many is that Obama is exceptionally eloquent. So what happened when Hillary Clinton accused him of relying on words rather than experience? He gave a somewhat immodest speech which inferred he was up there with Martin Luther King and the Declaration of Independence - quoting so […]
  • Why you're lucky to have learned math before Common Core
    NBC Washington - An Iowa woman jokingly calls it "Satan's handiwork.'' A California mom says she's broken down in tears. A Pennsylvania parent says it "makes my blood boil.''What could be so horrible? Grade-school math.As schools around the U.S. implement national Common Core learning standards, parents trying to help […]
  • Police beat
    Bangor ME Police Dept - [Officer Kyle Pelkey]  spoke to a nice lady on lower Essex Street this past Friday night when her cat, Lily, arrived home with a blow dart in her hind quarter (Pelkey explained it differently but I have to answer for everything I write here). In any event, Lily's owner pulled the dart from the cat and Lily seems to be doing fine. […]
  • What's happening
    The Borowitz Report - President Barack Obama has decided to move his family into a full-service doorman building in Washington, D.C., saying that “it just makes more sense right now.” “It really will work better for us,” Obama said in a press conference Tuesday morning. “In addition to the doorman, there’s a guy at the front desk, and, if anyone comes to see […]
  • Remember that war you thought was over?
    NPR - Afghanistan has signed a pact with the U.S. to allow about 10,000 troops to remain in the country after the end of the year, when most American forces are to be withdrawn.The country's newly inaugurated president, Ashraf Ghani, signed the Bilateral Security Agreement, or BSA, which would leave in place the U.S. troops and a few others from NATO al […]
  • Tip to the Washington Post and other media: No, the Swiss health system is not the same as Obamacare
    Jon Walker, Firedog Lake - Several reporters have compared the Swiss health care system to Obamacare after Switzerland’s recent vote to keep it, including the Washington Post: “Switzerland rejects single-payer, will keep its own version of Obamacare” and Vox: “Switzerland rejects single-payer in landslide, keeps its version of Obamacare.”The similarities bet […]
  • The retirement crisis
    Huffington Post - In a recent working paper, we find that only 44% of workers in the United States have access to a retirement plan at work. Except for workers with defined benefit plans, most middle class U.S. workers will not have adequate retirement income -- 55% of near-retirees will only have Social Security income at age 65. […]
  • Brain bank finds 96% of deceased NFL players with brain disease
    Time -The brains of 96% of deceased NFL players showed signs of a degenerative brain disease, according to a study by the nation’s largest brain bank. The Department of Veterans Affairs’ brain repository in Massachusetts, a collaboration between VA and Boston University’s CTE Center, found that the instance of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain condit […]
  • 92% of those who use it say medical marijuana works
    Washington Post - A 2013 survey in the New England Journal of Medicine found that nearly 8-in-10 doctors approved the use of medical marijuana. Now, a wide-ranging survey in California finds that medical marijuana patients agree: 92 percent said that medical marijuana alleviated symptoms of their serious medical conditions, including chronic pain, arthritis, […]
  • MIT study predicts grim climate decay
    Environmental News Network - Global temperature is likely to rise 3.3-5.6 degrees Celsius by the end of this century, unless international climate negotiations in Paris next year are more effective than expected, according to a report released Monday by the MIT Joint Program on the Science and Policy of Global Change. The predicted temperature increase surpa […]
  • Race to the Bottom: Democrats
    The worst, weakest and/or least effectiveHillary Clinton Barack Obama Arne Duncan John Kerry Eric Holder Bill Clinton Chuck Schumer Diane Feinstein […]
  • Pocket paradigm
    Empires and cultures are not permanent and while thinking about the possibility that ours is collapsing may seem a dismal exercise it is far less so than enduring the dangerous frustrations and failures involved in having one's contrary myth constantly butt up against reality like a boozer who insists he is not drunk attempting to drive home. Instead of […]
  • Word
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result -- Albert Einstein […]
  • The Post Office pays a visit
     From 50 years of our obverstocked archivesSam Smith, 2000- Government censorship was never much of a problem for us. Other publications, however, did not fare as well. In B.W. (Before Web) the Post Office was the most powerful prude around. As a young radio reporter in 1959, I interviewed the Assistant Postmaster General on the subject of obscenity in his o […]
  • What's happening
    The Smithsonian's African American History Museum will help you determine if your junk is culturally significant Low-income drivers face higher auto insurance, even when they have clean driving recordsJohn Cleese  analyzes Fox NewsCalifornia ends higher penalties for crack vs. cocaine   A good reason not to live in Louisiana: - Police in Louisiana are u […]