Tag Archive | "Teen Boys Selfies"

FYI– If You’re a Teenage Boy

 

Beware of Mom and Her Family

 

Skippy Massey
Humboldt Sentinel

 

Dear Boys,

I have some information that might interest you.  

Last night, as we sometimes do, our family sat around the dining room table and looked through your social media photos.  Because we’re creepy like that.

We have a teenage daughter, and so naturally, there are quite a few pictures of you handsome boys to wade through.  Wow — you sure took a bunch of selfies in your pajamas this summer!  our bedrooms are so dirty! Don’t you know how to clean your rooms?  Our 9-year-old son brought this to our attention, because with one older sister who has a room that smells like an old, dead hamster, he notices boyish details like that.

I think the girls notice other things.  For one, it appears that you are not wearing a shirt.

I get it — you’re in your room, so you’re heading to bed, right? But then I can’t help but notice the big muscles pose, the extra-arched back to show off your rock-hard abs and the smirky grin.  What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep.  Because I’m a woman.  And rock-hard abs left me four children ago.  And I like to judge others based on my own standard behavior.

So, here’s the bit that I think is important for you to realize.  If you are friends with a daughter of mine on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole fam-dam-ly.

Please understand this, also:  we genuinely like keeping up with you.  We enjoy seeing life through your unique and colorful lens — which is what makes your latest self-portrait so extremely unfortunate.  You just aren’t good enough.  We’re the Joneses.  Now keep up with us.

Those posts don’t reflect who you are!  We think you are handsome and probably interesting and, if I’m being generous, very smart.  But, we had to cringe and wonder what were you trying to do?  Who are you trying to reach?  What are you trying to say?  Because we literally have nothing better to do than judge and examine the lives of teenage boys.

And now — big bummer — we have to block your posts. Because the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our daughter, just as we know your parents care about you.  But not as much as we care about our kids, because we’re better parents than your parents.

I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage daughter seeing you only in your towel.  Did you know that once a female sees you in a state of undress, she can’t ever un-see it?  You don’t want my daughter to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?  

Because if she does, it will be YOUR fault.  Our daughter does not have free agency.  She is incapable of controlling her thoughts and actions, so you must do it for her.  Seriously, she can’t.  It’s some sort of chromosome condition that only occurs with the XX.

I mean, I don’t want my daughter to think of you in a sexual way, but I’m not gonna try and make myself un-see a picture of Ryan Gosling in just a towel.  I mean, yum.  And It’s not like he’s a real person.

And so, in our house, there are no second chances, boys.  Because we’re just mean like that.  I know, I know.  We proclaim to be Christians who believe in the power of the atonement and all.  But we’re not Jesus, so only he has to forgive you.  Us?  Well, we are just going to judge you all we can and shame you and infer that you’re giant bags of whore on the internet.

If you want to stay friendly with the females in my family, you’ll have to keep your clothes on (unless you’re Ryan Gosling) and your posts decent.  And interesting.  I mean, no one wants to read that “Roman is having an okay day and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station.”  All of your posts should revolve around me and what I find interesting.  If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video — even once — you’ll be booted off our online island.  Because like I said, there is zero tolerance for forgiveness in our family.  Mess up once and it’s the guillotine.

I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while.  We hope to raise women with a strong moral compass, and women of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school boys.  Women of integrity also don’t write incredibly mean, self-righteous posts that slut-shame teenage girls.  Phew, luckily I didn’t do anything like that!

Every day I pray for the men my girls will love.  I hope they will be drawn to real handsome guy (not dorks.  No dorks allowed in this super-awesome fam), the kind of men who will leave them better people in the end.  I also pray that my daughters will be worthy of this kind of man, that they will be patient — and act honorably — while they wait for him.

Boys, run if it’s not too late!  If you think you’ve made an online mistake (we all do — don’t fret — I’ve made some doozies),  RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your female friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom.

DO IT NOW! I AM THE EMPRESS OF ALL AND I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE DOWN ALL POSTS THAT DON’T MEET MY HIGH STANDARDS.  But actually it is too late because we already blocked your skanky-ass profile and Jesus had no second chances.

Will you trust me?  There are girls out there waiting and hoping for men of character.  Some young women are fighting the daily uphill battle to keep their minds pure, and their thoughts praiseworthy.  And you shirtless boys in just your swim trunks are ruining it for them.  You are making their minds impure and they have no control over it.  None!  It’s like you’re literally controlling their minds.

You are growing into a real handsome dude, inside and out.

Act like him, speak like him, post like him.  Because there’s no second chances.

I’m glad we’re friends.  But not like the kind of friends for reals.  Like the passive-aggressive kind who make really mean judgments about you and then write about it on the Internet.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Judgmental Slut-Shamer Jones
(my response to this post)

* * * * * * * * *

This post by Marissa Stringham originally appeared on Huffington Post and Iron Daisy

 

Please follow and friend us on Twitter and Facebook and share the Humboldt Sentinel with others

Posted in Media, OpinionComments (0)


HumSentinel on Twitter

RSS Progressive Review

  • Department of Good Stuff
    […]
  • Why people hate the federal government
    Take Part - Out with the cupcakes, in with the fruit cups.At least that’s what the USDA envisioned when it came up with the “Smart Snacks in School” standards as part of the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010. The guidelines—which set rules for treats sold on K–12 campuses outside the cafeteria during school hours, or “competitive foods”—went into effect […]
  • Why you shouldn't vote for a corporate executive
    Sam Smith - There is a widespread myth that corporate executives are exquisitely prepared to run other things, like community organizations, states or our nation.  This is a myth broadly enabled by large corporate media but it makes little sense. Here's why:Corporate executives can fire people, move them to new jobs, promote or demote them. You can […]
  • Preserving a Jewish state or the Jewish soul?
    From 50 years of our overstocked archivesSam Smith, 2006 - Vigdor Lieberman that nasty member of the Israel cabinet, wants to get rid of the Arabs so his country can remain a Jewish state. It's not a new idea; shoving Arabs around helped Israel get started. And it didn't work all that well. Fifty years of misery as the Israelis and the Arabs compet […]
  • Mid and late career teachers underpaid
    Center for American Progress: Mid- and late-career teacher base salaries are painfully low in many states. In Colorado, teachers with a graduate degree and 10 years of experience make less than a trucker in the state. In Oklahoma, teachers with 15 years of experience and a master’s degree make less than sheet metal workers. And teachers in Georgia with 10 ye […]
  • Photo of the day
    L'Osservatore Romano photo of Pope having lunch with Vatican workers […]
  • Stupid Washington Post tricks
    James Zogby, Arab American Institute - As the Israeli ground offensive was beginning, the [Washington] Post featured a front page headline, in large type, reading "Two Israelis Killed in Gaza Clash." In smaller type there was a subhead, "Death toll tops 330 as Hamas militants step up attacks." The story began, "Hamas militants intens […]
  • Furthermore. . .
    Gaza death toll now over 1,000Top Palestinian officials have accused Israel of war crimes in Gaza, filing a complaint Friday to the International Criminal Court in The Hague. […]
  • 2500 Ground Zero responders have come down with cancer
    NY Post - More than 2,500 Ground Zero rescuers and responders have come down with cancer, and a growing number are seeking compensation for their illnesses, The Post has learned.The grim toll has skyrocketed from the 1,140 cancer cases reported last year.In its latest tally, the World Trade Center Health Program at Mount Sinai Hospital counts 1,655 responder […]
  • Millenials down on marriage
    Alternet - | In a new Pew poll, researchers asked people of all ages how they felt about marriage and having kids. One question asked if society is better off if people made these goals a priority.....For respondents over 65, a strong 61 percent said yes, it’s in society’s best interest to prioritize marriage and kids. But that number gradually declined for […]
  • A bipartisan cause: universal income
    David Atkins, Washington Monthly -  One of the beautiful things about universal basic income: it has legitimate cross-partisan appeal, even if it seems wacky at first glance to centrists (who are often the very last people to recognize a good policy idea when they see one.)To a conservative, a direct money grant is an opportunity to shed cumbersome governmen […]
  • Pocket paradigms
    Unfortunately, complex failing systems have little capacity to save themselves. In part this is because the solutions come from the same source as the problem. The public rarely questions the common provenance; official Washington and the media honor it. Even a failure as miserable as that of Vietnam had little effect on the careers of its major protagonists […]
  • Word
    I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments by those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations -- James Madison […]
  • Mid East paradigms
    From 50 years of our overstocked archivesIsrael is a state like all the rest. AIPAC is just another political group like the National Rifle Association. It is not a religion but one more Washington lobby corrupting the political process and making American voters less powerful. The policy of the Israeli government is clearly distinguishable from the theology […]
  • Bringing politics home
    From 50 years of our overstocked archivesSam Smith[From Shadows of Hope, 1994]In 1816, Columbus, Ohio, had one city councilmember for every hundred residents. By 1840 there was one for every thousand residents. By 1872 the figure had dwindled to one to every five thousand. By 1974, there was one councilmember for every 55,000 people.The first US congressiona […]